Search Results for "smashed"

Pizza Girl part three
(Undisclosed)

Today I was attacked again - the guy wanted the money I was carrying. He was waving a knife around, but it was a dinner knife and he looked really stupid with it. "OK, OK," I said, "My life isn't worth the cash I'm carrying, it's on the bicycle, I'll just get it." But also on the bicycle was my hockey stick, and that's a yard long. I unclipped it, and swung at his head, as one does. He ducked, of course, but I caught him a good one on the shoulder. He yelled "Bitch" and came at me with the knife, but I got him on the left ear with the second swipe of my stick, and he staggered. Why a hockey stick, you might be wondering. Because a baseball bat looks like a weapon, but a hockey stick looks like sports equipment. Which it is, and I've had plenty of practice with it. So he was still coming at me with his cutlery, so after I'd bounced my hockey stick off his left ear, I did a follow through, spun round and smashed my weapon into his right ear. Now he was dazed, but he still had his knife, so I lined up carefully and whacked his right hand, cracking his knuckles and causing him to drop the blade. Now he was disarmed, I suppose I could have just got on the pizza bike and rode off, but my blood was up and I wasn't going to stop now. The standard strike with a hockey stick is, of course, to the shins, followed by an "Oops, sorry about that!". So I took careful aim, raised the stick and brought it down as hard as I could. There was a satisfying "Crack!" and I knew that my assailant was finished. So I put my hockey stick back on its bracket, got on the pizza bike and rode off into the sunset. Or I would have, but it was night time so I rode off into the moonlight.

The ERG sorority
(Undisclosed)

We were just gossiping about guys, as one does. I suppose guys gossip about girls, or maybe they just gossip about sports. I don't know. Boys just don't seem to be rational. Sex is the most important thing in the world, because sex leads to babies, and without babies, the human race goes extinct. Without baseball, the human race doesn't go extinct. Without football, the human race continues. And the same for basketball, cricket, soccer, golf and so on. Something we've all noticed is that there seem to be a bunch of boys that are turned on by female muscle, but there's also a bunch that are intimidated by us to the extent that they don't even appear on our radar. Judy said "I make money by dancing." And while she's dancing in her bikini, she shows off her thick muscles; the audience easily understands that she's stronger than any two of them. "They feel intimidated by my body, and even a bit scared. And when I suggest tips, they respond enthusiastically, with five and ten dollar bills. Sally reminisced about a jockstrap raid she'd been on. "It was great fun. We hit the ALE frat house. There were four of us, and the boys didn't put up any resistance, because they knew that they'd be knocked flat if they tried. So we smashed down their front door - it turned out that it hadn't been locked, but smashing it down set the scene. We barged into their dorm room and rummaged through their drawers, grabbing their most intimate garments - jock straps. They were a bit smelly, but we'd brought plastic bags to put them in. Then we marched out, past the boys who were still cowering in their living room.

Pizza Girl part three
(Undisclosed)

Today I was attacked again - the guy wanted the money I was carrying. He was waving a knife around, but it was a dinner knife and he looked really stupid with it. "OK, OK," I said, "My life isn't worth the cash I'm carrying, it's on the bicycle, I'll just get it." But also on the bicycle was my hockey stick, and that's a yard long. I unclipped it, and swung at his head, as one does. He ducked, of course, but I caught him a good one on the shoulder. He yelled "Bitch" and came at me with the knife, but I got him on the left ear with the second swipe of my stick, and he staggered. Why a hockey stick, you might be wondering. Because a baseball bat looks like a weapon, but a hockey stick looks like sports equipment. Which it is, and I've had plenty of practice with it. So he was still coming at me with his cutlery, so after I'd bounced my hockey stick off his left ear, I did a follow through, spun round and smashed my weapon into his right ear. Now he was dazed, but he still had his knife, so I lined up carefully and whacked his right hand, cracking his knuckles and causing him to drop the blade. Now he was disarmed, I suppose I could have just got on the pizza bike and rode off, but my blood was up and I wasn't going to stop now. The standard strike with a hockey stick is, of course, to the shins, followed by an "Oops, sorry about that!". So I took careful aim, raised the stick and brought it down as hard as I could. There was a satisfying "Crack!" and I knew that my assailant was finished. So I put my hockey stick back on its bracket, got on the pizza bike and rode off into the sunset. Or I would have, but it was night time so I rode off into the moonlight.